One Foot in Front of the Other

There is so much on my mind right now. So much I want to do. This week has been an interesting one. I've found desires in my heart that I didn't even know were there. It's kind of made me more emotional than normal, but in a good way. It's nice to feel passionate about something. It's nice to cry tears of joy at a realization. I don't think it's time to make this public, but I do feel I need to file it away here.

I only hope that God can give me peace while I'm waiting. I want my heart to be open for this journey. I want to be a good and obedient servant for Him. I want whatever I do to glorify Him. I pray that God will continue to give me strength and passion for my day to day tasks. They say that whatever you do today can make a great impact on your future. I definitely want to be wherever God wants me to be. I look forward to seeing where that will take me.

Please remember me in your thoughts and prayers.

<3 Anna

I have no idea....seriously! (because it's my favorite word)

So I'm still trying to figure out what I should do with my life. One thing I've noticed is that I always go back to History and Writing. I've been doing a little research today, and have been pleasantly surprised at how these two subjects work together. I know that sounds kinda dumb, but seriously...it's a perfect union. John is always encouraging me to do the things I love, he even said that if this is my dream, he would support me whole heartedly.

So why am I so afraid? Why do I deny myself the things I enjoy? I think part of this is because I feel that my views in life are socially unacceptable. I know...who cares?! Unfortunately, despite my strong feelings to push that negativity away, it's a constant battle. I also have a strong fear of failure. I fail ALOT. (You're also human;) The funny thing is my crazy desires for perfection and organization, would probably be well met in the field of history and preservation.

Any thoughts? Suggestions?

<3 Anna

Nightmares

Ever since my mom told me about the separation ( working on over a month now) I've been plagued with nightmares. Last night, was horrible...a triple feature. I don't remember details, but that I was running from yet another killer.

I'm to the point that I'm afraid to close my eyes, afraid to fall asleep. What if I won't wake up? What if it becomes real some how? I know that sounds crazy, maybe it's the sleep deprivation, who knows?!

All I know is that this happened to me before and I went through my regular sleep cycle patterns, (fitful sleeps and night after night of nightmares)until one day the nightmares stopped. I don't think I want to go through that again:/

*sigh*

Mom just called...Dad gave her divorce papers...she's filling them out now.

Dream On

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She had a head full of brown curls, big hazel eyes, and even bigger dreams. She looked at the world with rose colored glasses and she knew without a doubt...that she was a princess. She would wear dresses everyday when allowed and hated to get her dress dirty even though the mud could be appealing. Some days she even thought that she was adopted and her father, the king of some distant place would come and take her to her palace. Some may think this is silly, but she always thought BIG. She knew that one day she would be Miss America, she would travel to Egypt and help with an archaeological dig, she would marry a prince and live happily ever after.

If you haven't caught on yet...the little girl was me. The scary part of this is some of these things I still believe will happen and even more with my looooong bucket list. The funny thing is some people have already shut me off at this point. "Nope, will never happen. You're married you are suppose to be settling in and making babies."

Well there's a couple of problems with this. I didn't get married to settle in. I got married because I love my husband very much. I couldn't imagine going on my dream adventures without him. John and I have both agreed that we want children some day. I'm 23, I've even said I would like to have children at 25. Here's some selfishness on my part: I won't do it though. If I haven't accomplished at least one of my dreams by then, I'll put it off til on down the road...even if the road is not guaranteed. I guess one main reason is that many of my dreams involve travel and I couldn't imagine traveling with a child to an unknown place. I guess the unselfish part of this is that I would want security and stability for my children.

There's just so many things that I haven't experienced. So many things that I dream of...my heart and mind often wander to these faraway places. This is how I know that I'll never be able to shut this part of me off. It's far too big and too much a part of me. *How appropriate?! Journey's Don't Stop Believin' is playing on my Pandora Radio* So what to do?

There's another side to this coin. As well as being a BIG dreamer. I'm also a BIG people pleaser. I'm always trying to make others happy and make people like me. So considering the fact that my dreams are kinda out of the norm, it looks like there will be a steel cage match between the people pleaser and the dreamer. You all have about as much an idea of who will win as I do. Both of these are so strong in me that I have no idea:/ I'm sure the fight will make for an entertaining evening.

So have any of you struggled with this? Do you think big dreams are achievable? Have you ever given up something big to please another? How did it make you feel?

Rainy Daze

It feels like a good day to blog:

Yet another rainy day....and I'm sick of them. It pretty much sums up my life right now though. The feelings of being trapped in a place I don't want to be...the need to get out and go on an adventure. This must be what Sophie feels like right now. She hasn't had a walk in a few days now.

I'm often left with this feeling of wonder....where will I be in a few years? What will I make of my life? Will I just sit and wish for the dreams I have?.... or will I do something about them. I would like to think that I would be the type to chase my dreams and go above and beyond them.

Yet there's this nagging fear of being trapped in one place forever...never making it happen. Also what if that' s all I'm meant to have what if I'm suppose to remain here and live my life and keep up this pace...honestly, that scares me. I'm not sure I would be content with that. I'm told in the Bible and encouraged by friends that God knows the desires of my heart, the part that scares me is the prayers we often pray that say "God change my heart make me want what you want." This scares me because what if my deepest yearnings don't match God's. What if all of the hopes and dreams I have are just selfish and need to be swept away?! I know that should leave me as a deeper person...but I'm still afraid.

I've always been like that, afraid of the unknown. I'm not good with change and yet I get excited and ready to jump in at the same time...if that makes any sense at all:/ So anyway, that's just something that's been on my heart lately.