Realizations

This month I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my life. It is always fascinating to have an epiphany, but it gets an added kick when you have several all at once. I was talking to John about that today and he suggested me writing them down. (They were becoming too overwhelming to process)

So I made a little list with short sentences summarizing my thoughts. These were some very private realizations, so I won't share them all here, but I will say that I can see God working in my life.

1. I'm incredibly hard on myself. This isn't really news to me, but I'll explain.

Yesterday, I called my grandmother to talk about visiting on Sunday. We also talked about what was going on with my great-grandparent's and life in general. (For those who don't know, most of my life I lived within walking distance of my grandparents) During this conversation, I heard my grandmother call herself stupid, crazy, and any other negative thing you can think of. Now I'm not suggesting that the reason I'm a negative person is because of my grandmother or family. What I am saying is that your environment does effect you. I have had my husband and friends tell me that I'm negative, that I'm too hard on myself, and that I'm my own worst enemy. I always knew this was true, but never admitted it. It took hearing my grandmother say those horrible things about herself for me to realize that I do the exact same thing and far too often. We both criticize ourselves when we make minor mistakes. We both criticize ourselves when we don't feel confident in what we are saying or we are not sure we are conveying it properly. It's a vicious cycle. I really want to work harder to break it. I don't want my children or my children's children dealing with this issue. I know that there will be bad days, but I believe there is power in positive thinking.

2. I'm growing up.

As each year passes, I find myself growing more and more intolerant to drama. I don't have the time or energy to deal with people starting drama, getting mad over the little things, people getting mad at me for not acting/doing what they want, issues of the past, etc. I love to make people happy and I love to help people, but I refuse to let people steal my joy. If the things that make others happy leave me feeling walked on...I'm sorry, you have got to go. I don't need that in my life. I can and will be a good friend to you, but I can only take being burnt for so long.

3. I need more discipline in my life.

If you could get inside my head, I think you would see one of those bouncy balls constantly bouncing all over the place. This would represent all of my crazy, (but I think good ideas) my problem is I don't know how to make the ball stop and actually get something done. I would love to learn how to focus all of my energy on each task as it comes. I would love to be able to become productive and do all of the things I enjoy.

4. I want to live more by the golden rule. (within reason and not to cross out #2)

I love helping people and I do my best to respect everyone that I come in contact with. Usually if I don't I have a good reason. The world has hardened me, so I have to work much harder than I used to on this one.

5. I want to not care what people think of me.

This is a BIG one! I don't know why I put so much stock in what others think, but I want to learn how to stop that. I want to have such confidence in me and see myself as God does. I think then and only then will I beat this one.

6. I really want to be intentional with everything.

This has been my goal for much of the year. I want to make stronger efforts to pursue the things I love in life. I want to have the peace of knowing that I'm doing the things I love and really living life.

So these are some of the things that I've realized and am working on. Do any of you struggle with these? Any suggestions? Comments?

<3 Anna