Thursday, November 1, 2012

Mommy Guilt


The past couple of weeks have been the hardest of my life. I’m sure many of you are thinking, well “duh” you are a mom now. This post is in no way to complain or ask for sympathy from anyone, in fact, if it is viewed that way then I’m failing at getting my point across.

I had been struggling breastfeeding Declan, especially on my left breast. So yesterday, I went in for an unplanned check-up. I have a plugged duct…yes, it’s as wonderful as it sounds. My midwife also commented that she was concerned about Declan’s weight, so we had to schedule a pediatrician’s appointment today.

Declan was checked out, despite our issues with breastfeeding (he has a very poor suck and my poor left boob) he was 9 lbs, so he had gained since his last visit on October 10.  We discussed my issues with breastfeeding with our pediatrician and how completely miserable Declan and I were (Declan’s poor face would turn blood red and he would shriek uncontrollably for extended periods of time.) She suggested that we go to formula. This was not what John and I had planned, we had even hoped we could get an electric pump and continue getting my breast milk, but the expense is just too great for us now. It was a difficult decision, but we both agreed that it would be in our best interest to switch to formula.

Now that John and I are confident in our decision, we have to deal with the judgment of others. I've found this particularly interesting, among moms. We are constantly being judged on all of our decisions----natural birth vs. medicated, breastfed vs. formula, attachment parenting vs. crying it out/more distant parenting, etc. The worst thing is that moms are judging other moms. Aren't we on the same team? Shouldn't we be supportive of one another? I gave birth to Declan completely natural, does that make me better than a mother that used medication or had to have a cesarean? No way! That’s not what makes a mom, a good mom. I could probably go on and on with this post, but I'll spare you.

I hope that people will respect our decision, but if they don’t, that’s okay. I know that John and I are good parents and that we are doing what’s best for our son. 

11 comments:

  1. I pumped for 8 weeks for my special needs daughter and then made the decision to go to full formula feeds. To some, it was viewed negatively, but we had been mixing high calorie formula with my breast milk anyway and I was comPletely exhausted from sitting at the hospital trying to spend time with my little angel and I was pumping continuously (every 3 hours) and felt it would be in mine and Wendy's best interest to switch. I honestly didn't care what others thought because almost no one has ever walked the path I have had to with my sick child. Mommy knows best and Wendy's team of doctors fully support every decision I have made regarding her care. My point is, do what you feel is right because only you are his mom and only you know what will work best with him.

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  2. I love you. You are a wonderful mom because you are doing what is best for YOURSELF as well as Declan. As moms we tend to get caught up in what's best for our kids, forgetting that if we don't take care of ourselves first, we can't take care of our kids.

    Balian had GRE pretty terribly badly and was switched to formula. Also, my left breast completely had dried up (what is it with the left breasts?????). I was in the same boat. I was constantly told I wasn't doing what was best for Balian because I formula fed. But you know what? That's what worked for us. It worked out wonderfully for us, and he's a healthy, incredibly intelligent, talented two year old. If we all focused more on what is going to be best for us and our family instead of what is best for everyone else (in regards to this), this world would be a better place.

    You haven't failed in any way. Everyone is different, and we should be embracing that.

    And yes, I still sometimes get a twinge of guilt whenever I see a breastfeeding mom. But then I look at Balian and realize that, breastfed or not, he's absolutely 100% perfect. And that is all that matters.

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  3. Breastfeeding or formula, natural birth or an epidural...none of this matters. All that matters is that you love your son more than anything else and show him that love. :)

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  4. Anna, anyone who judges you based on the decisions you and John make as parents should mind their own business. There are no perfect parents and Daniel and I commend you two for doing what is best for you and Declan and John! You'll get no judgement from us and I already see others who are in your corner! Those who aren't might as well stay out and leave you alone! There is no time for negativity!:) We love you guys so much and you two are wonderful parents. I know, I've seen it first-hand!

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  5. I went thru the same thing with the twins. Breast feeding just wasn't going to work for us. I still have guilt issue and feel judged for that decision. It is crazy how judgmental some mothers can be. Just trust in your decision and your mommy gut. No one knows your situation as well as you or lives Declan as much as you. You are an amazing mommy, never forget that!

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  6. I had similar issues with nursing Kayleigh. I originally intended to breastfeed for a year....but that didn't work out. She had good suction, but a poor latch. This led to a lot of pain for me and frustration for Kayleigh. I also had low supply so after two months of trying to make it work we decided to integrate formula. Kayleigh has been on only formula for a couple months and she is doing great. Do i wish i could still nurse her? Yes. I miss it and i wish it worked out for us but it didn't. Does it make me a bad mom? Not at all. Kayleigh is happy and healthy and that is what matters.
    Don't get discouraged. People are mean....no women are especially mean sometimes. You are a loving mother and you are doing what is best for you and Declan. You can be proud about that.

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  7. I had similar issues with nursing Kayleigh. I originally intended to breastfeed for a year....but that didn't work out. She had good suction, but a poor latch. This led to a lot of pain for me and frustration for Kayleigh. I also had low supply so after two months of trying to make it work we decided to integrate formula. Kayleigh has been on only formula for a couple months and she is doing great. Do i wish i could still nurse her? Yes. I miss it and i wish it worked out for us but it didn't. Does it make me a bad mom? Not at all. Kayleigh is happy and healthy and that is what matters.
    Don't get discouraged. People are mean....no women are especially mean sometimes. You are a loving mother and you are doing what is best for you and Declan. You can be proud about that.

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  8. Hey, generations of babies have been on formula (including moi) and have turned out ok (jury's still out on me!). You just do your best and he'll be so fine! Take care.

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  9. Try your best not to worry! I have had to teach myself to not listen to others and not care what their opinion is. You are making the decision that is best for you and your little man at this point and it is no one's business! Darbee was on formula from day one and turned out just fine!

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  10. My daughter was having problems with this with my grandson and she tried a nipple guard? It seemed to work well for her, she wound up BF my grandson for a year! I also, know from experience when one of my daughter was little I had to supplement with formula...so do what you have to sweetheart, and don't worry about feeling badly or what others 'think' or put any pressure on yourself at all! YOU do what is BEST for you and Declan! Hugs, Melody

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  11. Mommy guilt and judgment from other moms are unfortunately huge problems once you become a parent. :( My advice is forget both. You're doing the best you can, have confidence in that! I did a mixture of formula, pumping, and breastfeeding. My daughter is happy and healthy and that's what matters! :)

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