Weekend Roundup!

Hey everyone!

I hope you all had a great weekend. Mine was pretty good, especially after last week. Did anyone else have a rough week? Last week was really hard because my motivation had hit rock bottom. (Yes, I have gotten a lot of spring cleaning accomplished, but the house was going to hell in a hand basket, as they say) The everyday chores were getting neglected and that didn't help my mood. If you don't know, I struggle, fight, kick, claw, stab, etc. (add any verb you wish) with anxiety, self-esteem, confidence issues. It's hard when we live in a world that loves to point out flaws, but rarely acknowledges the strengths of people. You could be the greatest violinist ever. You could rock your music departments socks off, but struggle with math. In this world, that's not acceptable. Some where along the way, someone decided we needed to all be well-rounded individuals. What does that even mean?! We need to all succeed at everything. Has anyone figured out that this isn't humanly possible?! Anyway, that really frustrates me. I'm not perfect, there are many things that I'm not good at or struggle with. These things get acknowledged much more than what I'm good at. I think this is part of why I struggle with the issues, I mentioned previously. I won't blame the world entirely, it's not completely their fault.

So I stewed in my funk for a bit. I accepted all the negative junk. I let it seep in. I let it hurt me again. I watched as I started to fade away again. It's incredibly painful to watch/allow yourself to stop functioning. It's also hard to realize that you've been stewing and being in a funk longer than you originally thought. I guess the turning point came on Thursday. Anxiety had taken over, full residency and all. That night I had a panic attack, I haven't had one of those in forever. If you've never had one...be thankful, grateful. Whenever I have these...besides the obvious...I feel like I'm going to die feelings...I also experience a huge feeling of disgust. Why did I reach this point?! Why did I let it get so bad this time?! That night I cried myself to sleep. I insisted I evaluate this personal failure. I made myself even more miserable. The next day, my chest hurt. (as to be expected)
Things didn't immediately get better, that's not how life works. I cried some more and went on about my life.

Saturday came with good news. I got my official acceptance letter for the CNA program! The summer program starts in July and early registration is next month. This victory was soothing to my broken heart. In the evening, I went on the dreaded pants shopping trip. I was able to get some jeans at JCPenny. I still need some dress pants for church/work/etc. Does anyone else have trouble finding dress pants? I'm pretty short and I'm always finding pants that are far too long. The last pair I bought was on a really good sale, but I never wore them because I swore up and down I would go to a tailor...it never happened. So I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I'm debating on just buying a couple of cute skirts and calling it a day. Kohls is having a really good sale on solid color tees for women right now. I'm wishing I had grabbed some of those the other night, I'm thinking I'll go back when I go out for the skirts/pants/whatever. So it wasn't the most successful shopping trip, but I was thrilled to get some new jeans:)

Sunday: Hubby and I headed back to church after a bit of a hiatus. The sermon was on Believing/Trusting in God. It was a good message, but what was more powerful for me was the children's time. Our youth pastor talked to the kids about the story of David and Goliath. He explained how David was given a lot of confidence from God to face Goliath. I never really thought about that. It's something that keeps coming up for me, being able to face your fears even though you are afraid. I know that right now that's my struggle. I feel like that's what God is preparing me for right now. He wants to give me the ability to face my fears and be victorious through Him. If I am able to accomplish anything it will be due to Him. After church I was able to talk with friends and had a great conversation with my friend, Anna. It's funny, we share the same name and have so much in common. She is a friend---I'm especially thankful for! We talked for a few hours until my stomach was like "Dude! I'm dying!" So we stopped by the DQ on the way home and had some super delicious grilled club sandwiches. It was perfect or I was just so hungry! Once we were home we worked in the garden, moved Sophie's kennel to the shade, and refilled the bird feeder. John and I spent the evening talking about how we want to make more of our time and cleaning/listening to music. We mostly got the house back to maintenance status and I was able to go to bed with a much less heavy heart.

I know I've left a few things out, but I won't bore you with all the details. I feel like I'm back to a fresh start and am pushing forward. I will conquer my fears and I will live my life! I may struggle, but I won't give up without a fight! ;) How do you deal with stress/anxiety? Have any of you had a panic attack? What helps you to deal with these? How do you cope with the after effects/feelings of failure?

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

I feel like I think differently than most people. I feel like I analyze conversations more and play a lot of what if scenarios in my head.

<3 Anna